The Hades Show: Premiere Episode
by Cilicia
Summary: Based on The Big Show from Disney's Hercules TV series. Written by Tara, edited and posted by Cilicia. Hades has his own talk show in the Underworld. This is the unconventional opening night!


(Note: The Hades Show series of 'stories' was inspired by the Hercules animated TV series. Specifically the episode entitled "The Big Show," where Hercules is a guest on the Merv Griffin talk show until Hades shows up and temporarily takes over the program. It was a very funny and imaginative cartoon.) 

I am posting this 'episode' with permission from the writer, Tara. She's the webmistress of "The Hercules Officially Unofficial Website". She has written two 'Hades Show transcripts' and is planning on writing more in the future. If you want to check out the fan art that goes with the following story, here's the link:

Or you can do a Google search for her website. Just type "Hercules Officially Unofficial" and then follow the links to her main page. "The Hades Show" is written on one of the black amphorae (jars). Click on it and enjoy the interesting intro.

I have done a bit of editing to make it more coherent. Enjoy! ~ Cilicia 

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{_Opening theme song_}

{_Crowd cheers as Hades steps on stage_}

HADES: Badda Bing, Badda Boom, WELCOME…To the HADES Show!!!!

HADES: And welcome to our opening night debut! We're thrilled to see ya here on the only program that dares to ask the musical question: **_Why am I not doing this on top of Mt. Olympus??????_**

{_Laughter_}

HADES: YES!!! It's "The" Hades Show!!!!!!!! Starring ME!!! Produced by ME!!!!! Directed by Me!!!!! And...Well, Need I go on???

{_Applause_}

HADES: Thank you! Thank you! And let's not forget all the little people who made this show possible - Pain and Panic are filling in as key grips, ushers, and washroom attendants. And let's have a big round of applause for the in-house Hades Show Orchestra!

{_Crowd goes wild_}

HADES: We were gonna get Orpheus as our band leader but he's too busy ......De-composing! HA!! Get it?????..Get it??? Hmmmmm...Hey.....well anyhoo.......glad to see yer all here. Is everybody getting ready for the holidays??? Saturnalia's right around the corner, ya know. Ah memories..... I remember when I was a little god we always had a great big roast octopus every year at Saturnalia.......didn't taste like much but everybody got a leg!!!!.Huh?? huh??? get it?? everybody gotta -oh never mind.......Hey!!!is there anybody here from Knossos??? anybody??? HA!!!!!! Great town... great town!!!!..say.....what did Zeus always tell Bacchus when he was a kid ........STOP THAT WINING!!!!! HA!!!.......hmmm...hey....yer gonna love this one....what does Cleopatra put behind her ears to attract guys??? Her Ankles!!!!! HA!!!!.........get it?? get it???.......

{_Pause_}

HADES: What are you people...DEAD????.....Oh yeah..... I forgot..........

HADES: OK, well, Badda Bing! On with the show! It's our opening night - and ALL this week - our theme is **_*Love in The Ancient World -- Can this Relationship be Saved???????*_** And tonight, we have some VERY special mythic guests who have graciously consented to share their stories with our studio audience. And lemme tell you, yer in for a Special treat, 'cause yer gonna meet the guy so **totally** buff he actually **starved** himself to death just watching his own reflection!!! {and yer not gonna Believe this story} 

HADES: I give you the guy who invented "Drop Dead Gorgeous" and the Nymph who adored him!!! And we're here to see if love means never having to repeat yerself - so put yer {whatever it is you've got} together and Give It Up for -- **_Narcissus and Echo!!!!_**

{_Applause and Mindless Hooting_}

{_A frail sad young maiden appears followed by Pain holding a potted narcissus flower_}

{_Hades reaches over to her and plants an air kiss on her pale cheek_}

HADES: Hey Babe, Welcome to the show! 

ECHOE: _Hey Babe, welcome to the show!_

HADES: No, I mean - really Babe - I'm glad you could make it...

ECHOE: _No I mean - really Babe - I'm glad you could make it...._

HADES: Whoa - OK - you can stop with the repeating bit now-

ECHOE: _Whoa - OK - you can stop with the repeating bit now_-

HADES: Oh I see… Riggghhht.......Echoe ...cute....well this is gonna be a real clam bake. Let's attack this from a different angle. Where's your boyfriend??

ECHOE: _Where's your boyfriend??_

PANIC: Sir, if I may interrupt he's right here.

HADES: Where??

PANIC: Right here, Sir. The narcissus, Sir.

HADES: What??! Huh?? Whaddya mean narcissus??

ECHOE: _Narcissus!!!!!Narcissus!!!!!Narcissus!!!!!_

HADES: Yeah, Sweet Cheeks, I **said** that already!

PANIC: Uh....as I was saying.....it's a plant Sir, a flowering spring bulb of the Amaryllidaceae family related to the daffodil that blooms early in-

HADES (_angry_): I KNOW *what* a "Narcissus" is!!! Thank you!! OY VEY!!!!!! What's it doing here!????

PANIC: Well this is…Him, Sir. It's what he got turned into…He kept looking at his own reflection until he wasted away and turned into a narcissus.

ECHOE: _Narcissus!!!!_

HADES: He got turned into a narcissus?!!?? Why doesn't anybody ever **Tell** me these things??!!!

PAIN: You know, we really should update the data base more often.

ECHOE: _More often!!!_

HADES (_furious_): **_YOU MORONS!!!!!_** Opening night and you book a house plant and some co- dependent broad who can't string two words together????????

PAIN: Well Sir, you said get a couple of real characters with real problems -

HADES (_flaming mad_): Oh I know a couple of **Real** characters who are gonna have **Real** problems in about **TWO** seconds!!!! **_YOU IDIOTS!!!!!!_**

ECHOE: _Idiots!!!!!_

{_Large blast...eyelashes are singed in what will be Britannia_}

HADES (_calming down_): OK!!! OK!!! Look here…can we get this guy changed back just for the duration of the show???

{_Hades zaps the plant. A gorgeous young man appears_}

HADES: Oy! That's better! Narsissus??? how you doin' Babe???? Can I call you "Narcy", Babe? Welcome to the Hades Show!!!!

ECHOE: _Welcome to the Hades Show!!! Welcome to the Hades Show!!! Welcome to the Hades Show!!!_

HADES: Hey You!!!! Toys-in-the-Attic!!! Ya wanna give it a Rest?!!????

NARCISSUS: Arrrgghh!!!!!! Where Am I?????

HADES: You're on Tartarus Vision, Babe, doin' the Hades Show!

ECHOE: _Doin' the Hades Show!!!!!_

NARCISSUS: Uh, is there an echoe in here????

HADES: Unfortunately, Yes. Can someone shut this broad UP????

ECHOE: _Shut this broad Up???? Shut this broad Up????_

{_Hades firezaps a gag around Echoe's mouth_}

HADES: Oy!! That's better!

NARCISSUS: Oh...so I'm on a show ???? Thank gods!! **Eww!!!!** I thought you were my reflection for a moment!!!!

HADES: Ya know, in the interest of quality programming, I'll **ignore** that remark. So how you doin' Babe????

NARCISSUS: Do you have a mirror??

HADES: Uh yeah. {_yells_} **Panic!!!!** Get this guy a mirror will ya?

{_Panic fetches a mirror_}

NARCISSUS (_preening_): Oh thank you! That's much better than looking into the water's surface! A perfect image!

HADES: Ok, well, glad yer happy. How are you feeling??

NARCISSUS: Fine! How do I look?????????

HADES: You look -- Ok -- for a mortal -- I guess. Uh, so -- what we wanted to ask you is-

NARCISSUS: Actually do you like my hair parted better on the side or just all fluffed up??????

HADES (_annoyed_): Fluffed up is fine! Fine! Yer gorgeous! Yer one in a million! Yer too sexy for yer chiton! Now on with the interview! Ya know, what our audience wants to hear about is how you and Echo wound up in yer unique little predicament. I understand Hera put a curse on the little woman cause she kept Blabbering away while that hound Zeus was playing nude leap frog with about 25 water nymphs behind her back again. HA!!! {_turns to audience_} And they call ME the sleazebag??? Go Figure!!!

NARCISSUS (_gazing in mirror_): Do you think I should grow a beard?????

HADES: Uh, yeah sure why Not???? ...Now, getting back to your story Babe-

NARCISSUS (_interupts_): I'm just afraid it would cover up this **perfect** jawline. On the other hand, my hair is so beautifully thick and curly it would be a shame not to grow one…

HADES: Um, Can we cut to the chase here??? **Fossils** are forming, Babe-

NARCISSUS: I know, I know! It's just that I want to look as **great** as can be for all the **little** people out there who want to see me at my **best**! It would be such a shame to disappoint them!

HADES: Ya know, you remind me of someone I know -- that kid at Pro Ac -- the blonde jerk with the big chin…

NARCISSUS: I could just grow a moustache, but that's not in fashion here-

HADES: Yeah, ya know, no offence, Babe, but when they were handing out personalities you musta been takin' a whiz!!!

ECHOE: _Takin' a whiz!!!!!!_

PAIN: Her gag came off, Sir.

HADES (_explodes_): **_Well.... PUT... IT... BACK....ON!!!!!!!_**

NARCISSUS: Well I guess what I can do is just be this way for now and grow a goatee in time for my next guest shot on your show! {_glances down at clothes_} Hmmm....gives me time to buy a whole new wardrobe too.

HADES (_angry_): "**Next Guest Shot On My Show???**" Uh, Hot News Flash, Babe, the possibility of that happening is waiting for You on the corner of Fat and Chance!!!

NARCISSUS (_ignoring Hades' last comment_): Hmmmm…In your honest opinion, do you think I was prettier as a man or a flower ????

ECHOE: _Flower!!!!!_

HADES (_pissed off_): Narcy, Babe, in my honest opinion, you've been standing in **fertilizer** too long! And I think this interview's at an end! In fact, now that I've met you two yawn factories, I've come to the conclusion that you deserve each other! And I'm gonna fix it so's you two can be happy through Eternity!

{_Hades firezaps Narcissus back into the flower that bears his name_}

HADES: There!! That takes care of you - ya boring Yutz - and now for Miss Congeniality over here!!!

{_Hades firezaps Echoe into a bumble bee, who promptly flies over and buries herself in the depths of the flower_}

HADES: Badda bing!!! Pain!! Panic!! You two plant this guy back next to the pond you found him by and Everybody's happy!!!!

{_audience applauds and cheers_}

{_closing music and credits_}

PANIC (amazed): Why Sir!!! That's an incredibly classy and charitable move on your part - if I may be so bold to say so…

HADES: You may, you may. Of course, there's the little matter of **who** booked **who** for this show tonight!!! (_getting mad_) I think we need to call an Emergency Production meeting!!!

PANIC (_terrified_): Meeting?? This late?? Now?????

HADES (_bright orange, glaring at Pain & Panic_): Yes...NOW!!! Just you two…Me, and this sharpened stylus!!!!

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The Real Myth:

Echoe: She was a beautiful nymph. One time Zeus was, _ahem_, frolicking about with a large group of nymphs. When Hera came looking for him, Echo knowingly detained the goddess by talking to her at length, giving the nymphs time to run away. Hera was furious with Echo's trickery. She cursed the nymph; Echo could only repeat the words she heard. She could never again speak of her own free will. All she could do was repeat the last few words of sentences that were said around her. Hence the origins of the word "echo." 

There are two stories about how she lost her body and became only a repeating voice. The first concerns Pan. One legend has it that Pan fell in love with her and pursued her. She ran from his advances, which frustrated him. He caused a group of shepherds to go mad "with panic" and they torn her to pieces. And only her voice remained.

The second story concerns Narcissus. She saw him in the woods, fell in love and pursued him. He rejected her because all she did was repeat the things he said. In her grief she wasted away until only her voice remained. Both stories are tragic, and paint Echo as a sad, pathetic figure.

Narcissus: He was a very handsome youth who was greatly admired. He rejected the love of many people, including Echo. Nemesis cursed him to fall in love with his own reflection in a pool of water. He wasted away and died of unrequited love for his own reflection, and was turned into a flower ("The Narcissus"). We get the word narcissim (meaning self-love) from his story.

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Editor's Note: The Hades Show 'episodes' will have a lot of references to Greek mythology, the Disney movie and TV show. You don't really have to be overly familiar with Greek mythology or Disney's Hercules to enjoy these 'episodes.' But they are a lot funnier if you are obsessed with Greek mythology and all things Disney. Just a fair warning!


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